Beautiful Disaster
by EmmyRose92
Summary: LJ: Lily's world has come crashing down around her. Her parents are dead, her sister hates her, and James Potter is a lying bastard. Thinking she has nothing left, Lily turns to the night...
1. Chapter 1

**A/N Hi everybody this is my new story, a dark version of how James and Lily ended up together. The rating of this story is VERY important; it includes rape scenes and sexual abuse. I will of course put warnings at the start of each GRAPHIC scene, so that those of you who wish you read it anyway will be able to skip such scenes. But please, do not read this story if you are under 18 or feel you may be upset by such issues. Also, there is a slight break from canon. In order for this to work, I have decided that James and Lily first started to get along in 6****th**** year :) **

**Thank you for reading :) please review and tell me what you think. **

Lily Evans had had the summer from hell. Her shoulders ached as she dragged her trunk down the hallway, using her left arm as her right was still in bandages from the night before. Edmund hadn't allowed the teeth marks to be removed by magic.

It had all started 5 weeks ago, when she had arrived home to find police officers sat on her doorstep. Her perfect world had come to a sickening end as they spoke to her in soft voices, their words crashing over her like a tidal wave. Car crash…drunk driver…oak tree...too late…dead…

Petunia had wanted nothing to do with her. She had just gotten engaged, and even though their deaths had been nothing to do with magic, she blamed Lily. Petunia had been left the house, and immediately set about evicting Lily, removing her possessions from her room and unceremoniously dumping them in the front garden. Lily had gathered them before the neighbours could see, shrinking them discretely so they would fit in her pocket, thankful that she had already passed her 17th birthday. From there she had walked around the corner and apparated to Diagon Alley, before starting her wanderings. She didn't have a clue where to go, and had ended the day sat in a side road, huddled below one of her school robes. That was where Edmund had found her, cold and hungry. Vulnerable.

He had seemed kind, had taken her hand and pulled her from the floor, telling her of the house he had at the end of the alley, that she could stay there until school started up again. She could work for him in the bar downstairs to pay her way, and everything would work out. It may seem a surprise to many how easily Lily gave in to this stranger, but her heart was in tatters on the floor. She had lost her family; everyone who loved her was gone. As she walked to the tavern, she briefly thought of her friends at Hogwarts.

She had no doubt that Alice would have helped her, but she was spending the holidays with Frank Longbottom, her boyfriend since third year. They had finally persuaded her family that they were meant to be, and were jet setting off around the world before returning to Hogwarts for their final year. She wouldn't be contactable for at least the next 4 weeks, when they returned to Europe.

Rowan Baker was another story altogether. To say she had her own troubles to deal with would be an understatement. They were a pure blood family, and hated Lily with a passion. The one time Lily had gone to visit over Christmas in fourth year had been a disaster, she had practically been chased out the house by Rowans mother. Since then, Rowan had only returned for the summer holidays, and even then spent most of her time with her neighbours, James Potter and his family.

James potter. Just the thought of him made Lily sigh. He had grown up a lot in the last year, had stopped being such an arrogant toe-rag. They had started to get along, once Lily had made friends with Remus, and realised that the marauders weren't that bad in the end. They had helped her to loosen up a little, and in return, she had helped them actually REVISE for their end of 6th year exams.

Her friendship with James had been rocky at first, but had quickly grown in to something that she treasured. He had stopped asking her out constantly, and had instead focused on making her feel a million galleons every day of the year. His compliments had seemed shallow at first, but after a month, she truly felt like the beautiful woman he described. But he never progressed any further, he never asked her out again, but he never spent time with any other girl either. The bullying days of James Potter were over. If only she could say that about his pranks. Once a marauder, always a marauder.

But she couldn't ask James for help. Not after what had happened on the platform only a week before the car crash.

"_So, you had better come round to mine for the big summer BBQ this year, Lily Flower. It won't be the same without you. Everyone will be there." _

"_I would love to James, but I will have to check with my parents." _

"_Ok Lils, well I guess this is goodbye for a little while, Sirius is waiting." She looked over his shoulder, seeing Black stood grinning by their trunks. He stuck his tongue out at her playfully, making her giggle slightly. "I love it when you laugh." _

_Blushing, lily turned her attention back to him. He was looking deeply in her eyes, suddenly seeming an awful lot closer to her. He really was gorgeous. _

"_You are very good at making me laugh." _

_He grinned his lopsided smile, his eyes twinkling as a piece of hair fell in his face. Without thinking, she reached up and brushed it back, her fingers lingering in his gorgeous messy hair. Before she knew it, his lips were descending on hers, meeting in a perfect first kiss, their touches light as her heart went haywire. James Potter was kissing her. _

_His lips were soft against hers, moving slowly and tenderly. It lasted only a second before he pulled back, his eyes drifting open again to meet hers. _

"_Wow. I guess I'd better go before I stay here all night. See you soon, love." _

_She simply nodded, too shocked by the tender passion in his kiss to reply. He smiled widely, kissing her on the forehead gently, before turning and walking away from her. _

She had been so happy after that kiss. But, within half an hour, her heart had been broken once more.

_Lily walked through the barrier, a smile still on her face. She pulled back, though, when she heard familiar voices around the corner. _

"_Oh come on Padfoot, you saw it, you owe me ten galleons!"_

"_I still don't see you how managed it, that girl hated you a year ago! Damn you and your tricks, Potter, is there no one you can't woo?"_

Lily still remembered how her heart had shattered. No, at the end of the day, James Potter had not changed; it had all been just a game for him. No, she most definitely could not go to Potter for help.

Shaking her head, she bought herself back in to the present. Edmund had reached the door of his tavern, and Lily gagged slightly as she saw the sign on the door. "Bagshores Burlesque"

"Now then Lily, I need you to listen to me for the minute. Are you willing to work for me here? I will look after you; you will never have to worry about being an Orphan again. Here, you can be worshipped and adored like you have always wanted. Men will come from all around to see your beauty. I will never let anyone hurt you, I promise."

Faces flashed before Lily's eyes, her mother and father, petunia and her oaf of a fiancé, James Potter as he smirked at her, laughing at her for being so naive. The one person she wanted only saw her as a plaything. She would show him how beautiful she really was.

Smiling, Lily nodded her head. Her life started here.


	2. Lily, Please

**A/N Thank you so much for everyone who has reviewed so far, it really means a lot and inspires me to write faster :) I am writing this on Saturday morning, but I am afraid it might be a while before you read it, as our internet has died. So I apologise if you have had to wait a long time, but I aim to have quite a few chapters written by the end of the day! Read and Review to make me happy! **

**Disclaimer (forgot to do this the other day….oops) I own nothing that you recognise, J.K.R. owns the toys, I'm just raiding her toy box. **

"Sir, it's time for me to go to Kings Cross."

Lily stood outside his office door, her trunk in one hand and her brand new owl, Isla, on the other. He had been a gift from one of her clients so she could write to him while she was at Hogwarts. It was a shame that he was a balding, plump man who reminded her of Vernon Dursley, otherwise she may have been flattered. Edmund had insisted, however, that since he had made the request, Lily had to fulfil it, otherwise she wouldn't have a home come next summer. Edmund expected her to still make him money from Hogwarts, but now that Lily was finally escaping, she had other ideas.

"Oh yes, come in LilyRose. I have some things to give to you for your work at Hogwarts." She opened the door and stepped in, leaving her trunk outside. Isla immediately flew over to the perch by Edmunds desk, and Lily was happy to have her arms free for what she was about to do.

"I wanted to talk to you about that Sir." Her voice came out stronger than she felt. Then again, she had had a lot of practice with acting stronger than she felt. "I don't want to do any work for you from Hogwarts."

Edmund turned to face her, his face a stone cold mask. Fear trickled down Lily's spine as he flicked his wand, the door slamming shut behind her.

L J L J L J L J L J L J L J L J L J L J L J L J

James Potter had had an awful summer holiday. He had really thought he was getting somewhere with Evans last year, but she hadn't contacted him once. He had owled her multiple times, writing her long notes about his summer, and spilling his heart out about his little sisters illness. He had given himself to her in those letters, all but begging her to reply. But she never had. His family summer BBQ had come and gone and he was starting to get worried.

The second Rowan had walked through the door he had bombarded her with questions.

"Have you heard from Lily? I think she's in trouble, she isn't responding to my letters, and she hasn't contacted Remus or Sirius either. Rowan please she might be in trouble!"

She had merely passed off his fears, saying that Lily was having a really busy summer; she had found a job and still wrote to Rowan once a week, even if her letters were brief. She was fine, and James had to calm down.

This did the opposite of calming James down. Now he knew it for sure, his heart was a mess. Lily Evans was avoiding him.

His mood had lifted slightly when he had received his Hogwarts letter. Head Boy. His parents had been so proud, it had made his mother smile for the first time since Katie had been diagnosed with terminal cancer. Sirius had laughed at him, asking him how he had managed to dupe Dumbledore. Remus had chuckled, wondering what Dumbledore was up to. James had just been ecstatic, because there could only be one girl worthy of Head Girl. Lily Evans. He would have another chance to win her over, he had been so close last year, and now he could show her how much he had changed.

James looked around the platform, looking for the red head. But it wasn't there. He spotted his other friends, Sirius had already run off to fawn over Rowan, his black hair easily spotted beside her blonde. Remus was talking to some other 7th year girls, Hufflepuffs, making them swoon slightly. Frank and Alice were locked together in an embrace just behind the marauders. Peter was nowhere to be seen, but that was happening more and more these days.

He was just about to walk over to them when a flash of red darting in to the train caught his attention. Lily.

He ran through the crowd, pushing younger students out of the way to get to the train. In a moment of clarity he flicked his wand behind him, summoning his trunk to follow him. He jumped on the train, calling her name. But she was gone again. He scanned all the compartments as he walked quickly down the train, his trunk bumping along behind him.

Soon he reached the end of the train, and no sign of her. Anger seeped through him as he slammed his fist against the wall. Resting his head against the wall, he stood in silence, listening to the sobbing.

The wall beneath his forehead was shimmering. Someone had concealed the door with magic. Lily.

Muttering the counter-charm, James placed his hand over where the compartment door would reappear. And it did. He opened the door quickly, his eyes focusing on the red-haired beauty curled under her robes in the corner, her head in her hands. She flinched as he closed the door, her gaze rising to meet his.

James' heart broke as she shrank back in to herself. This was not the Lily he had known for the last 6 years. This girl was merely a shell of the woman he loved.

"Lily it's ok, it's just me love. What's happened?" he tried to keep his voice gentle as he stepped towards her.

"James I need you to leave." Her voice came out surprisingly strong, despite the tears streaming down her cheeks.

"What? Lily, you need help, I've been so worried about you, and you're not exactly showing me that you're fine right now."

Lily took a second to gather herself, before standing up angrily. She couldn't allow herself to get close to James Potter again. It was simply too dangerous. But he looked so gorgeous standing there, so concerned for her. But no, she couldn't be weak, Edmund already knew too much, she couldn't let on how much she…no. she couldn't even think it, it would put James in danger.

"James please. I have had a lot of time to think over this summer, and I don't want anything to do with you. You haven't changed a bit since first year, and I am not going to allow myself to be hurt by you. I know about the bet you had with Sirius, you got your 10 galleons, and now I want you to leave me alone. I don't want you to say another word to me for the rest of the year."

She watched on as his face sank. Suddenly James Potter looked very young to her, and unsure.

"Lily…"

"James, I mean it, if you don't get out of here right now you're going to regret it." She pulled her wand out of her pocket, standing up straight for the first time. She had to appear strong, even if she did not feel it.

James raised his arms, showing her that he was unarmed. Suddenly his eyes fixed on her arm, and the bandage that was peeking out of her robes.

"Lily, what happened to your arm?"

Lowering her wand, Lily started pulling down her sleeves, suddenly looking much younger to James. Her gaze left his and looking down to the floor.

"My neighbour's dog bit me, it's nothing, I just couldn't find the right healing spell." James could hear the blatant lie in her voice. He took a few steps forward and grabbed her hand, pulling her sleeve back. The bandage ran all the way up to the middle of her forearm, and bruising was rubbing the rest of the way up to her elbow.

"Lily…that's not a dog bite…"

She shuddered as his fingers traced her skin, reminding her of the one time his lips had touched hers, that perfect moment. But he had ruined that moment. He wasn't worth her time, she could get through this without him.

"Please, flower, tell me what happened."

"I can't." It was barely more than a whisper, but James heard it.

"Lily I want to help you. There's no way I am going to leave you alone while someone is hurting you. I can protect you, I'll be with you all the time, I'm head boy so we will be sharing a dormitory. Tell me who did this to you, love, please."

"I don't need your help, James potter. Now kindly leave." In a second she had her wand out again, flicking it with immense skill, pushing him backwards and out of the compartment.

She could hear him banging on the door, but chose to ignore it. Settling down, she started looking over the list that Edmund had given her. It consisted mostly of Slytherin boys. She shuddered slightly, before reading the letter Edmund had given her once more. She had no choice but to do this, he could ruin her in seconds. At least she knew that the boys had been sworn to secrecy when they signed up. As long as she was careful around Potter, no one would know about her night time dealings. And he could never find out, she dreaded to think what he would do if he did.


	3. A Hero

**A/N: Firstly I am so sorry for not updating before now! I had quite a bad case of writers block when it came to this story, none of my ideas seemed to quite fit, and then I moved away to Uni and one thing led to another! But I am back now, one semester in and I seem to have settled down, time to start doing what I love again :) Thank you so much for your patience, and I hope you continue to love this story :) Also, I am looking for a BETA to proof read my work and bounce some ideas off of, if you would be interested, please contact me via a personal message or a review. Enjoy! **

Lily Evans was having an awful day. No wait, awful was an understatement. She had been up all night in the room of requirement, seeing to the needs of one of her clients, and now Professor Alabaster was on her case about some essay she hadn't done. The students around her watched on in confusion as the greying Herbology teacher ranted on about the importance of keeping up to date with work, even when she had Head Girl duties. No one had ever seen Lily Evans in trouble before the summer, but it was now becoming a frequent occurrence. The teachers worried that the Head Girl job was getting too much for the young witch, especially having lost her family just months before, while the students laughed as one so mighty could fall so far. Many of the more bitchy girls in the year had made comments about the state of her, how her hair was dulling, her beautiful green eyes dimming to a broken grey. Her friends found themselves being pushed away, confronted with a Lily who was cranky and selfish, ignoring their needs to focus on some herself. Within the first week arguments had broken out as the three girls fought, leaving Rowan and Alice in tears as the red-head stormed off, refusing to speak to them again. Everyone knew that something about Lily Evans had changed, but it was only James Potter who was determined to find out what.

"You will report to me for detention tonight at 6pm Miss Evans, considering you are the only one who has not completed the essay it seems only fitting that you should pay the price."

Lily's mind hurriedly ran over the people she was meant to meet with tonight. Jones at 5pm, and then Black at 7pm...she should be able to squeeze in a detention, as long as she didn't eat. Then again, she never ate anymore anyway.

"Yes Professor."

The class sunk back in to its normal flow, quills scratching as the class made notes on the various suitable uses of Devils Snare, but James Potter refused to take his eyes off the back of Lily's head. Ever since finding her in a mess on the Hogwarts Express the previous month he has been determined to find out what was going on, but she was a very tough case to crack. He had tried following her, but she always vanished before he could work out where she was going. He had tried talking to her on rounds, but her answers came in snapped single words as she stormed away from him, always refusing to meet his eyes. This girl was anything but the girl he had fallen in love with, but he still could not get over the way her lips had felt against his in the happiest moment of his life. He had known in that moment that Lily Evans was his past, present and future. Now he just needed to work out a way to get that Lily back, the Lily who had been his friend for the last year. The Lily he loved.

"Oi Prongs, stop staring in to space, I need you to concentrate so you can do this essay for me later." Sirius was sat on the other side of James, playing with his hair and idly running his left hand over Rowans knee. She was scribbling constantly, seemingly ignoring her boyfriends antics, but had a tiny smile on her lips that only came from pure happiness.

James shook his head slightly and started writing, pulling his mind away from Lily for the time being. He needed to work out a plan to get closer to her again, but that could come after class.

Lily looked down at her watch as she fixed her hair in the room of requirement. Jones had pulled it out of its neat ponytail, and the knots had created were too stubborn even for her wand to fix. Quarter to Six. Sighing, Lily pulled her hair up in to a messy bun to hide the knots, and quickly applied some concealment charms to her neck and wrists, hiding the bruises. He hadn't been particularly rough today, he did like to grab her. Luckily he had been quick, enjoying her mouth for 20 minutes, before pulling his pants up and departing the room of requirement.

Lily was grateful for everyday that she managed to maintain her virginity. The boys who came to her often asked, but they knew that they would have to pay Edmund an awful lot to get that privilege, something none of them could afford. So instead they came to her, groped and molested her, used her hands, breasts or mouth to get their release, and then left, the money on the floor for Lily to send back to Edmund. That was their arrangement. But she knew the day was getting closer when Regulus Black would get tired of waiting. He was particularly hard on her, and she knew that with his money, it wouldn't been long before he paid off Edmund and took her. Her heart broke every time he touched her, he was worse than the others because he actually talked to her, telling her how if he wasn't magically sworn to secrecy he would be fucking her in front of Sirius and James, making them watch as he defiled their 'flower'. He spoke of the marauders with such contempt that Lily wanted nothing more than to rip his black heart out, but she had to stand and take his abuse as he used her. One day, she would get her revenge.

Taking one last look at herself in the mirror, she straightened her blouse and walked out of the room of requirement, making sure to check in the viewing glass that there was no one outside. Turning left, she rushed up to the Owlery where Isla was waiting for her, leg already out to receive the envelope full of money. Then, Lily made her way to the Greenhouses.

Lily bit down her nerves as she walked up to the door of the classroom. Before this year she had never had a detention before, but now on October 5th, she was experiencing her 3rd. The stress of her new lifestyle was ruining her life, and she knew it, but she had to continue. She had degraded herself too much to go back now. By pushing away all the people who cared about her, she was able to maintain an existence where none of them would be harmed. Especially James. Lily briefly thought back to the day that she had received that first letter from James over the summer.

_My Lily Flower_

_Its only been a day since I have seen you and I am already going very slightly crazy. I hope you will forgive me for kissing you like that, but I couldn't stand the thought of going home for summer and not having felt your lips against mine. This last year with you as my friend has been so incredible, knowing that you don't hate me anymore makes me so happy, but I know that I would always have been empty if I did not try to pursue you one more time. If you wish, my Lily Flower, I will treasure that kiss forever, and never push you for another, knowing that I tried my very hardest to have you. I will be your very best friend if that is what you ask of me, but that is not what I desire in my heart. I want to be able to call you mine, I've been pining over you for so many years, Padfoot says that I should be the giant puppy! He bet me that I would never kiss you, and while I took the bet, it was merely because I know how good we can be together. If I get to share a perfect kiss with the most beautiful girl in the world, why not earn some money from the fool so I can buy you a present? I spent the ten galleons on the bracelet enclosed in this letter, I really hope you like it. Please Lily, will you be my Girlfriend? You will never regret it, I promise. _

_Please reply, _

_James x_

Lily had sat in her room staring at the letter for hours, the grin on her face so wide it could not be hidden. She knew she had to go work the bar later that night for her second shift, but suddenly that awful task did not seem so horrible. She had a way out, James was her way out. Slipping the gorgeous beaded green bracelet on to her wrist, Lily made her way downstairs and towards Edmunds office.

"I think you underestimate what I want here Edmund. You will complete this task for me, otherwise the Dark Lord will hear about it. Do it, or he will see that you and all your little girls are ripped to shreds!"

Lily pressed herself in to a tiny closet as the door to Edmunds office burst open. Through the cracks in the wood, Lily saw Lucius Malfoy, a boy only 3 years older than herself, gliding down the hall, the dark mark on his arm clear for all to see. She shivered in fear. The Dark Lords followers were not to be messed with, and she remembered Malfoy to be brutal in his skills. It did not surprise her that he had been recruited.

Once she was sure that he had gone, she moved out of the closet and went to knock on

Edmunds door. She was very disturbed by what she had heard, but the calming weight of the bracelet on her arm reminded her that she had a way out now, she would get out of this, and then tell James' parents of Malfoy and Edmunds involvement with the Dark Lord. They were Aurors and would know what to do.

"Enter."

She opened the door, walking in with confidence in her stride.

"I'm leaving. Tonight."

She cut to the chase, looking this evil man who she had blindly trusted in the eyes. However, she had not expected the anger in his eyes as he met her gaze.

"No you are not. I took you in, gave you a home and a job when all others had abandoned you. You owe me a debt, and you are not leaving until it has been paid."

"I will pay it. Give me an afternoon, I will meet my friend and get a loan off of him, pay you the money and then I will be out of your hair. You will get your money for the week I have been here, don't you worry." _and much more besides_ she thought, as she thought of the fate that awaited him once the ministry knew he was in league with the Dark Lord.

With a flick of his wand, the door slammed shut behind her. She twirled on her toes, her eyes looking for an escape route, seeing the anger in this mans eyes.

"You will not leave."

"I've found someone who wants me, you can't keep me here!"

"Aaa, the same person who gave you that bracelet? I see the letter in your pocket? A boyfriend? Does he know what you did last night? Does he know how you have become a whore? Does he know I will kill him if he touches you? You are mine now Evans, and if you even THINK about leaving here then everyone you have ever met is going to know how disgusting you are, and then I am going to kill you."

Lily looked him in the eye, they were blazing with anger. He meant it completely. Here he was, a dangerous man who was in league with Voldemort, and she had gotten herself trapped. If she wanted to save her reputation, and her life, she was going to have to do what he said.

"Now give me that bracelet and that letter, and go back to your room. I will call you when your first client arrives."

Lily shook her head, pushing the door of the herbology theory classroom open. There was no point dwelling on that day and the joy that had been in her heart. She could never have him now, no matter how much she wanted James. She had to keep to her plans and keep him away. But for now, since she had a boring hour of detention to kill, she would dream of her hero.

And then she came face to face with him.

**Hope you enjoyed :) I'm sorry if it feels rushed or pushed, I needed to use this chapter to get myself back in to the story, and back in to the characters. I hope your looking forward to the next chapter as much as I am :) Review :) **


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N Hi guys :) just a quick note, for the sake of this story I am saying that Sirius and Regulus are Twins. I know its a break from Canon, but it just worked having them in the same year. Enjoy :) **

"James what are you doing here? You haven't had a detention all term?"

As soon as she said it, Lily blushed a bright scarlet. She had been so careful, never making eye contact, never speaking to him first, and certainly never calling him by his first name. All three rules broken in two sentences.

_Dammit Lily get a hold on yourself._

"Aw Lily Flower, I didn't know you cared. I had a bit of a run in with a Mandrake after the class which you so delightfully ran out of, dropped the pot as I was moving it aside, very unfortunate really, but at least I get to spend an hour with you."

The smirk in his voice was unmistakeable. He had caught her off guard, and he knew it.

"That's nice for you James."

She moved to sit on the far side of the classroom, away from his handsome face, but just at that moment Professor Alabaster walked in, blocking her path.

"Oh no Miss Evans, you and Mr Potter will be doing some partner work today, since it is so important for you to be on the same page when it comes to your head duties. Both of you are perfectly adept, so I am going to leave you to the assignment on the board while I mark some second year essays. Come get me if anything goes wrong, and I shall return at the end of the hour to dismiss you." With that she walked out of the room.

Lily stood gazing after her, unsure whether or not she could handle being forced to work with Potter while her heart was so full of his praises.

"Come on Lils, no time like the present! Looks fairly simple to me, just some replanting, but some might take an extra pair of hands, lucky for you I'm pretty handsy." He winked at her, making her smile slightly before she caught herself. He had been doing this all term, treating her no differently than he had when they had been friends, even when she didn't reply.

Picking up her bags she went to settle down next to him, although slightly further away than she would have done a year ago.

"Show me what you've got Potter."

It was so quiet he almost missed it, but she had made a witty remark! James' heart leapt at the possibilities. He had known when he had pushed that mandrake pot off the shelf that all he needed to do was get her alone, tonight he was going to find out what was going on.

The started off working in relative silence, just the occasional comment here and there regarding the plants, but it as enough for James, it was more of a conversation than they had had for months! Quickly it progressed back in to the easy comments one would make to a friend, standing over the plants at a safe distance from each other, talking about essays and projects that the pair had undertaken over the last month, and before they knew it the conversation had moved on to how revision for NEWTs was going.

"I can't believe you haven't started already Lils! You started revising for OWLs in Fourth Year! Even Sirius has started looking back over his notes, these are the hugest exams of our lives."

Although there was a teasing note to his words, even James could not hide the worry in his voice. This was not the Lily he knew, who took every single exam, even if it was just an in class test, completely seriously.

"I've just had alot on my plate James, I have had a busy term."

"Oh yeah? Doing what?"

Lily flinched slightly, wanting to steer the conversation away from this.

"It doesn't matter James. So have you done the Transfiguration essay yet? It's due in next week and I have yet to start."

"It does matter Lily. It matters to me."

His voice was so soft she would have missed it if she wasn't sat right next to him.

"Well of course it matters, it's a very important essay, it will give us an indication of how our writing skills are progressing and whether or not they are up to 7th year standards. I really want to get an Outstanding on it, I feel it would give me that boost i need to..."

James cut her off by taking a step closer to her and grabbing the tops of her arms.

"Shut up Evans. I don't care about the stupid essay, I care about you! I care that you are destroying your life here, that essay is due in in a week and you haven't even started it yet, when this time last year you would already have handed it in! I want to help you, I want the old Evans back."

She couldn't look away from his eyes, he was standing so close, his gorgeous hazel eyes.

"So we are back to Evans now?"

She hardly recognised her own voice. It was low and seductive. She wanted him to kiss her again, she wanted to feel that spark. _Please James, please._ She could feel herself begging him with her eyes.

James was confused. Standing so close to him was the girl he loved, the girl who had been hiding behind a strange mask for the last month and a half. Her green eyes had been brightening throughout the evening, her whole posture relaxing. Where had this beautiful woman been hiding? Why had she been hiding?

And here she was, her eyes gazing up at his, her tongue darting out and wetting her lips in a cruelly inviting manor. _Come on James, don't mess this up now, don't lose her again. _

"Lily..."

"Yes James?"

They were both whispering, their breath ghosting against the others face. His grip on her upper arms loosened as one of his hands glided across her shoulder to caress her neck, while the other slid down her arm to hold her hand. She did not protest.

"Lily please, don't disappear."

Her eyes flickered to his lips before meeting his gaze once more.

"What do you mean, disappear?"

"I want to kiss you again Lily, I want to so badly, but last time I did, I almost lost you. But I have found you again, you are here with me right now. Please, don't disappear again. I can't live like this, I can't go back to you hating me, please Lily, be mine." Throughout his speech his hand that had been on the back of her neck had drifted round to cup her cheek tenderly, and Lily found herself leaning in in it oh so slightly, as his fingers started tracing the smallest of patterns on her skin, setting her nerves on fire.

_I can't live like this..._That is what he had said. But Edmund would kill him. He would find out, most of the Slytherin boys were his spies, word would get out and then James would know everything, before Edmund killed him. She had tried to hard to keep him safe for her to stuff it up now. Looking up at the clock on the wall, she saw her escape.

"Alabaster must have forgotten we were here, we are 15 minutes over-run! I've got so much work to do I had better get back to the Heads Dorm!" she pulled away from him, forgetting in her grief what she had arranged with Regulus Black for 7pm, 15 minutes ago.

"Lily wait..."

"You know what its like, all this work! I don't know how I am ever going to pass this year, I'm running far behind. Are you coming?"

Within 30 seconds she had packed away the bench and collected her cloak, and started walking towards the door. He merely watched her for a few seconds, his heart aching as he wished he was holding her once more, before gathering his stuff also and walking out the door after her, staying 5 or 6 paces behind. Her pace was quick as she headed for the Heads Dorm, but while he had no desire to be left behind, he also was careful not to stand to close to her, for fear that she would push him away once more.

They walked to the portrait of the Lion that held the heads door in complete silence, a silence that was only broken by Lily stating the password. They stepped inside, and then went their separate ways in to their rooms, not meeting each others eyes. Lily glanced back one last time just before she closer her door, and James did the same, but their mismatched timing meant their eyes did not meet. They both sighed and closed their doors, ready for a disturbed nights sleep.

An hour later, James was woken by an angry conversation outside. The participants were obviously trying to keep their voices quiet, but he could hear every word.

"I forgot ok! I had a detention and it over-ran, for gods sake its not like I did this deliberately."

"We had an arrangement Evans! How dare you turn your back on it you disgusting little whore, I was waiting there for an hour! Where were you really? No one loses track of time in detentions, you spend the whole time watching the clock!"

James recognised that voice, Regulus Black. What was he talking about, he had no business talking to Lily at all, the pair had never exchanged words before. How dare he call Lily a whore. James started to get up and pull on some trousers. If he was going to beat Black to pieces, he wasn't going to do it in his boxers.

"I told you I was in detention! Alabaster caught me out on that essay that YOU distracted me from last night!"

James stopped. What? She had been spending time with Black last night. He had tried to find her everywhere, following her as he always did, but she had slipped away once again, slipped away in to his arms.

"How dare you suggest that this was my fault! " A sharp smacking sound filled the air as Lily cried out, followed by the sound of wood shattering. "You mark my words, whore, Edmund will hear about this." Forgetting his confusion, James ran from his room. No one was going to be hitting Lily Evans while he was around.

"Get out you disgusting Slytherin shit! This is a private dormitory and you are not welcome here." In James' anger he had forgotten the magic of the Heads Dorm, but was pleasantly surprised when the room ejected Regulus quite forcibly, sending him sprawling out on to the floor in the corridor outside. James could hear him shouting at the door and bashing the portrait, but there was no way he was getting back in.

James quickly turned back towards Lily, running to where she was sprawled on the floor clutching the back of her head. The desk behind her was cracked, where her head had hit it with such force.

Crouching down beside her, James tried to get her to focus on him.

"Lily, come on flower, look at me. Open your eyes angel, look at me."

She groaned, trying to turn her head away from him.

"Go away Potter, I don't need your help."

"So shall I just go let your boyfriend back in? Would you prefer that, for me to let him hurt you again? No way, now come on, let me see your head."

"He's not my boyfriend. James please, you have to leave me alone now, you can't be here, he's going to be so angry."

Lily pulled herself up off the floor, wincing slightly as she saw the blood on her hand.

"Oh no flower, you're not going anywhere with your head bleeding like that. Stay sat down, I'm gonna go get a healing potion, and then you are going to tell me whats going on."

**A/N: Please review, honestly it makes me write faster.**


	5. Anguish

**A/N Hello Readers :) Thank you for joining me again :) I hope you are all enjoying the story so far, I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has favourite-ed this story, and everyone who has reviewed, even the bad ones make me think more carefully about what I am writing, and so are useful to me :) In response to Lulubu, who sadly did not leave me a way to get back to them, sometimes people are pushed in to making terrible decisions by grief and anger, and it is how they get themselves out of those situations that showcases their true strength :) enjoy :) x**

James was sat on the floor of the heads common room, watching Lily sleep. After evicting Black from the room, he had gone to his room and collected a potion from the first aid set he kept in his room for the full moon, and given it to Lily. She had avoided his eyes as she drank it, looking at her feet.

"I think it's about time you tell me what has been going on."

Lily had looked up at that, her hands shaking as she put the potion flask down on the coffee table.

"Not yet. Please James, I need to think, I need to sort it out in my head before I can tell you. I'm just not ready."

"But you will tell me?" She had looked down again, her hands rubbing against her wrists anxiously. "Lily please, Black is bad news, whatever he has to do with this, I can help you. I can see from your eyes that you don't want to be with him, you are terrified of him! I'm not going to stand by while he pushes you around. Please Lily, let me help you."

The nod that he received in return was barely visible, but he had definitely seen it.

"Ok then, I'm just going in to my room to put on some more clothes, and then we are going to talk." He had, of course forgotten until this point that he was only wearing semi buttoned trousers and boxers. Lily seemed to realise this at the same time and blushed a bright red, making James chuckle to himself as he walked out the room.

He took a little longer than he had intended in his room, pacing up and down as he tried to place the pieces together. All the answers he came up with seemed far too implausible, he had no idea what Lily was going to tell him when he went back out there. And that scared him shitless. Whatever had happened to Lily was obviously much worse than he had ever imagined.

Eventually he persuaded himself to go back out there, to face his fears and help the girl he loved, but obviously he had delayed too long. Lily was fast asleep on the sofa.

And so he had sat down and watched over her for the last hour, sitting up slightly every time she made any movement or noise. For the most part her sleep had been calm and relaxed, but now she was starting to show signs of troublesome dreams.

"no...please not...no" she never said anything more than that, so James got no hint as to what she was dreaming about, but the despair in her voice told him it was bad.

Walking over to the sofa, James slowly reached out towards her, but his hand never connected. Before he could even think of a spell to counteract her, Lily had woken, whipped out her wand and wordlessly blasted him across the room.

A few seconds later James came around, gazing around him in confusion. Lily was sat in front of him, tears streaming down her face as she fussed over him. She only slightly brightened when she realised he was conscious.

"Oh James thank god, I'm so sorry, you scared me, are you hurt?"

He laughed slightly as he stood, feeling no worse for wear.

"Gotta try harder than that Lils, only knocked me out for 5 seconds or so. But it was a very powerful spell, if I wasn't used to knocks from bludgers I'm sure I would still be on the ground right now. So, who might attack you in your sleep that you need to knock flat on the floor?" The seriousness had crept back in to his voice, and it made Lily even more nervous. He wasn't going to drop this.

While he had been in his room Lily had tried to think of a lie she could tell to please James, but there was nothing she could say that would persuade him to drop it other than the truth. Shame crept over her as she tried to formulate the words to explain what she had done. After hearing this, he wouldn't want her any more. Sure, he would help her, because he was as good as anyone could be, but at the end of it he wouldn't love her anymore. He would be disgusted by her. She had been so ashamed that she had faked sleep when he came out of his room, but she found the fact that he dutifully watched over strangely calming, and had soon drifted off in to a restless sleep filled with dark alley ways and car crashes.

"Can that come later in the story?"

She had come to the conclusion that she simply had to tell him. She had to avoid looking him in the eyes so she couldn't see the disgust, and just tell him.

"Ok flower, however you want. Shall we sit?"

James was trying to make her more comfortable, but no matter how kind he was it didn't seem to help, she still avoided his gaze. She nodded slightly, tucking her knees under her on the sofa so that he could sit next to her. He angled his body so that he was facing her, but she remained facing the opposite side of the room.

"This summer my parents died. It was a car crash. The muggle police said they didn't stand a chance, but I guess my sister Petunia thought differently. She blamed me and my magic, switching between 'you could have saved them' and 'this is your fault' regularly. Eventually she got tired of seeing me around the house and kicked me out, dumping all of my stuff on the front door and changing the locks. This was only a few days before the start of the summer break. I didn't know what to do, where to go, Rowan and Alice had their own issues this summer, and I was still mad about your bet with Sirius, so the only place I could think of to go was Diagon Alley. I had no money and no way of getting any, so I ended up on the streets that night. That was when Edmund found me..."

James listened in horror as she delivered her tale in monotone. How Edmund had tricked her in to working the bar for him, and then the night he had forced her to go beyond her normal bar duties because of his letter.

"Lily...I'm so..."

"Please James, let me finish."

She continued in her monotone voice as James sat with his head in his hands, silent tears streaming down his cheeks. The love of his life had been tortured and abused, forced to work for a man in fear of the lives of those she cared for. And it had all started because of him.

He listened in silence as her tale continued, until she got to the point where she tried to get out of her deal at Hogwarts.

"Lucius Malfoy? In league with Voldemort! This is exactly the kind of evidence we need! My parents have been after the Malfoy family for months, but they haven't been able to get any solid evidence, Lily you have to tell Dumbledore, and then we can take them all down."

"But he didn't actually give any real evidence. All I have it half sentences heard from outside a door, there is no real proof, trust me I have thought about it."

"So you just did what he said instead? Continued even though he was working for Voldemort!"

"We don't know that James, we have no proof! The Dark Lords name intimidates everyone, Edmund would be a fool not to be pushed by just the mention of him. But maybe I wanted to find some more proof."

"What do you mean, find more proof?"

She looked up at him then, still looking nervous.

"You're crying..." James shook his head, refusing to wipe away the tears on his cheeks. "I'm not an idiot, I can see your tears. I'm sorry James, I've disappointed you, and I am so ashamed, but I had to keep you safe, you and your family, Rowan and Alice, Remus Sirius and Pete, because you are the only ones I have left. I know you are never going to look at me in the same way again, but please do this for me. Don't tell anyone."

"Don't tell anyone?" James could feel the anger rising in his voice. "Don't tell anyone so that they can continue to degrade you? What happens when one of them goes too far and rapes you Lily? You have no power in this, all Edmund has to say is a few words and you will be damaged forever, you can never get that back Lily! And you are willing to do it all to protect people who can damn well protect themselves!"

James would have been pleased to see anger taking over the lack of emotion in Lily's voice, if he hadn't been so distraught himself.

"Damaged? Is that how you see me? Because who could ever love someone who tries to protect the people they love. For Merlins sake Potter, you are so up your own arse, do you really think you could take on Voldemort himself if he came after you? There is something bigger than me going on here and I'm damned close to finding it out. So if you don't care about me anymore, leave me alone. I don't need your help."

He stared at her in silence for a few seconds before taking a few steps closer to her, and talking in such a quietly calm voice that she had to lean closer to hear.

"Don't you ever think I don't care about you Lily Evans. What you have told me tonight has destroyed me, simply because I have failed you. All I have ever wanted to do is protect you, and now I find out that I pushed you further in to danger. You shouldn't have to do this, it's not fair, you are so innocent, you should be allowed to escape all this. You have never done anything to attract the attention of the dark forces, and now you have been pushed in to the middle of it all. You shouldn't be the one to go through this just to find evidence. I have to save you Lily, because I love you. I can't watch you do this to yourself, I just can't..."

His babbling rant was cut off my Lily's lips pressed against his.

**A/N This chapter was really hard to write for me, so sorry for the delay, please review because I have found my motivation dwindling once more, and need some boost! Also, please contact me if you wish to help me with BETAing, I don't require any experience, just someone who wants to read the chapters before anyone else :P xx**


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